just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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