just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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