I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
