Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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