my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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