I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
