I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
