i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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