i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
