Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
