please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
