I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
