my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
