we're chasing vodka with high fives
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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