When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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