i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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