So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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