i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
