the new term for farting is butt boxing.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
