Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
