today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's shark week go big or go home
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
