I wish life had little blips of pornography
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
