I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This baby is an asshole
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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