im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
