you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
