oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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