coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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