We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
