remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
