My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
