He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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