Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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