if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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