I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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