my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
