Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I think my fart just growled at me.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
