Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
