Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
