Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
