I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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