i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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