Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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