i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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