I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
