He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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