I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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