How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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