Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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