he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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