Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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