Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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