The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
